i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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