Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
