The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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