PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This baby is an asshole
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
