remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
