Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize