literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
