you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
