We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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