I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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