she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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