Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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