Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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