I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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