Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
