one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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