Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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