you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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