I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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