i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
