Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
