Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he quoted the bible to break up with me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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