Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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