We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
