If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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