I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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