I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
