Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
