Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize