I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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