I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
