I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you didnt know i had herpes?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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