Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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