you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
