Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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