but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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