I wish I could punch you in the face.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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