What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
