hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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