Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize