I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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