I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
