Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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