Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
