happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
