a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
