we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
