Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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