Tell her she can't have a vagina
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
