either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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