he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
