New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
