8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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