There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
