he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize