im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
