someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
