I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
