Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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